my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
He? As in you personified your dick?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Randomize
