I wannas sexs uuuuu
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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