i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Randomize
