He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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