If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
