You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Randomize
