I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
