I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
