I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
