god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
