What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
