I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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