Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
