she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
