finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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