I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
