Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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