If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
