I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
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