my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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