Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
