my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
