i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
