i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Randomize
