there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
My bed smells like the plague
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
