I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
