My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
All the doctor said was why
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
