Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
