You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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