it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
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