the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
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