They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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