You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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