You can't motorboat a personality
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
