jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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