saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
