I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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