Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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