I swear she didn't look like that last week.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
