I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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