I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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