wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
