If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Randomize
