I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
