i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
