The maid of honor just puked.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
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