There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
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