you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
