Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
