It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
