She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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