I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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