Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
My cat gives me a boner
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
