Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
